Dateline: March 1st, 2015
Your Excellency the Governor,
I am pleased to submit the report of the activities within your Excellency’s detention center on Broad Street covering the months from January to date.
December was quite eventful with many activities of the merry kind; this, unfortunately, left the inmates sour and out of pocket in the new year. There was a particular night when a certain transit case from another facility by the name of Dabyna, the son of Rock; a very peculiar sort, spent the evening playing the guitar with different parts of his and indeed other’s anatomy. Indeed it got all our inmates quite agitated and the Warders had to be put on extra alert.
Back to my report, Sir, January was very subdued as the inmates had consumed all their rations plus the reserves meant for the new month. Again the air was rent with talk of the National Elections and whether his Majesty in Abuja stood in good stead; rumors were rife of a possible postponement. Not that it mattered to our lot whether Valentine’s was canceled or not. Sir, lest I forget, Aduke, the only female incarcerated with the males caused a bit of palaver on Christmas Day when she failed to show up for assembly. Fervent searches of the entire prison failed to yield any sign of her. She was later discovered somewhere in Lekki engaging in riotous behavior and claiming it was her birthday. She was put in solitary confinement for a month after which to our utter consternation, she came out fatter and healthier than she went in. Romantique, Counselor Makin’s boy, claimed his pet rodents had disappeared but couldn’t press charges as pets are absolutely forbidden on the grounds.
This January, serial parolee Ade Bantu and his gang of 40 or more thieves once again staged a sortie at the gallows; with them was one Bez accompanied by one blind troublemaker everyone referred to as Cobhams. What we have now noticed is that there is a need to increase the capacity of the European cells; it would seem many of them are related to this Ade Bantu. On this night, we have also identified a few other inmates of dubious character that lurk around on those nights, on the prowl for hapless young ladies that innocently wander in. There is a Chris said to be Ghana, one Akin Kongi and sometimes their uncle Tem usually in tight-fitting multi-colored shirts; these men would need to be escorted for the whole duration they are within the premises.
We thankfully had a reprieve from Ade’s shenanigans in February when he, fearing possible kidnap, canceled the February shindig; as we also heard the news that His Majesty’s government had received approval for the postponement of the Elections. So Valentine was back on?! Yes! Aduke started prancing around in tight shorts causing ATLs (Advanced Testosterone Levels) among the male inmates. To avoid a total breakdown of law and order, conjugal visitations were allowed on Valentine’s day, much to Aduke’s chagrin.
Inmate 007, the one whose name may not be mentioned, came out for fresh air and sunning this month; I only get to see him on those rare occasions I notice the glint from his white head and beard as he hurriedly scuttles from his confinement to a vehicle sent by someone high up and disappears to God knows where for God knows how long; at least until the next sighting. On this fair morning, He sends for me! I was generally minding my business, thinking of what punishment to mete out to Edaoto and Seun Olota for bribery; they were caught offering Poison and Chidi (my staff); gratification for additional lighting and sound amplification, for what; I don’t know. Anyhow, there I was thinking, when Mama, (yes the one you sent us from the MUSON) came to me to inform me I was summoned by 007. My curiosity was piqued and I went off to see the reclusive old man.
Sir, I am afraid I have to stop here as regulations do not permit dispatches exceeding 500 words. But suffice it to say our official photographer TOJ, managed to tear himself away from his new wife to record the meeting.
Till my next dispatch; I remain your humble servant,